In the first chapter of my book, Between Friends: Sharing, Healing, Transforming, I ask the question: “If we all knew it would turn out this way, would we still do it all over again?”

Later in the book this same question is asked of each woman about the stories they have shared with each other. 

We’ve all asked this question at least once. I know I have. It sounds simple – a basic question about regret or choice. But this question creates a profound philosophical paradox. Is it really a question about choice or perhaps a question about selfhood and causality?

In a discussion with my oldest son, he expressed his disapproval of a decision I made many years ago. He stated that his judgment of my actions created a difficult position for him, however, because if I had made a different choice then he wouldn’t exist today. So even though he disapproved of my action, in some selfish way he also had to at least accept it because his existence depended on it. I found that discussion and his reasoning very enlightening. 

What’s the Answer: Yes or No?

My son was correct. If I said “No, I wouldn’t do it again” then he wouldn’t exist and I, the person I am right now – shaped by all my choices, my mistakes and past experiences – might never have come into being. Every decision – the beautiful ones and even the ones that led to sorrow or loss – becomes part of the chain that constructs our current consciousness – the person we are now. To reject a past experience is, in a sense, to reject the person who has emerged from it.

However, if I say “Yes, I’d do it all again” I’m now accepting the inevitability of suffering as a teacher. This is similar to Nietzsche’s idea of amor fati – “love of one’s fate,” which means loving everything that happens – not just accepting it, but embracing it joyfully as necessary and meaningful. Nietzsche wrote: “My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity.”

Now, I wouldn’t say that I love everything that has happened to me. I can’t even go as far as to say I that I like all my past choices and experiences. However, I can accept them as valuable lessons and be grateful for the wisdom they have provided me. 

I have chosen to create meaning out of my choices and experiences. Transforming suffering into understanding, chaos into coherence. 

Both answers to the question above suggest that healing is not found in rewriting the past but in understanding and integrating it. So, I don’t have to love every experience, but I can honor them and be grateful for the person they’ve helped me become.

Therefore, maybe the real question isn’t “would we do it all over again,” but “having done it, can we love the person we became?”

Moment of Reflection

Take a moment today to think of one event — a choice, a loss, a turning point. And ask yourself: 

“What part of myself was born during that event or decision? What wisdom, what gentleness, what courage grew from it?”

And then ask yourself, quietly, without judgment:

“If I had to do it all over again – not to change it, but to understand it – what would I see differently now?”

Share Your Reflection

If you want, please share your reflection or thoughts with us here so we can grow and understand together. Your words of wisdom might guide someone else in their meaning making of a choice or experience. Or in their future moment of decision making.

In Love and Light,

Denise

In my upcoming book, Between Friends: Sharing, Healing, Transforming, a group of friends share their stories about an event that changed their life in a meaningful way. These events contain both positive and negative aspects that the women must navigate individually and as a group.

Their stories demonstrate that events whether joyful or painful shape how we see ourselves and the world around us. These events leave an emotional “imprint” that our brains and bodies remember. The event can be held as an image in our mind, a sound or perhaps a song, a smell, a taste or a touch.

For example, a nurturing experience can build a sense of safety and trust, while betrayal or loss can seed self-doubt or guardedness. Over time, these emotional imprints influence what we expect from others and how much hope or fear we carry into new situations.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

What’s important is the meaning one attributes to these experiences. How will you weave your experiences—especially painful or confusing ones—into the larger story of who you are and how the world works?

Will you interpret the events in a destructive manner through fear, shame or hopelessness? Will you decide you’re a failure, not good enough, unlovable, or that the world is cruel and unfair? If you do, you will only increase the chance of narrowing your life story and reinforcing pain and suffering in your life.

Or will you reinterpret the same events through curiosity, compassion, or growth? Will you realize that humans make mistakes, that struggles reveal your inner strength, or that loss can reveal what truly matters in life? Sometimes these reinterpretations take time to achieve, but they help us to integrate the events into our life story rather than being defined by them.

Moment of Reflection

Do yourself a favor today and take a quiet moment to reflect on an event — large or small — that changed you.

Ask yourself:

• What did this experience teach me about life or love?
• What story did I tell myself at the time of the event, and what story do I tell myself now?
• Has the meaning evolved as I’ve healed?

You might write, pray, walk, or simply breathe your way into the answer. Sometimes meaning isn’t found in words, but in the peace that follows understanding.

Closing Thought

The events that shape us are not always the ones we choose. But when we reflect, they become our greatest teachers.

Life keeps rewriting our stories — not through what happens, but through the meaning we attribute to what happens.

Meaning is the bridge between pain and purpose, between memory and becoming.

So please think about what story you are writing today. And if you want, share it with us here so we can grow together.

In Love and Light,

Denise